Sunday, March 05, 2006

the lackwit epistles--a sporadic series

I attract mail from various idiots, lackwits, and goobers on a nearly daily basis. They seek me out after I've done nothing to provoke them. Well, except for daring to possess both a vagina and an opinion.

Today's idiot emailed me on myspace, a site and cultural phenomenon which I am beginning to think is one of the signs of the Apocalypse. His letter--unnecessary editing and incorrect usage intact--is as follows.

Subject: your a sick bitc+ to kill a kid

how can you kill something inside of you or give it up it is you dumb a++

So many questions immediately arise--is English his first language? Why has he edited himself--does his mom read all of his outgoing email? (To quote my friend Patrick, "You know you're dealing with a zealot when they swear at you and censor it.") Why is he so concerned about the comings and goings of my uterus? Why does he not live in South Dakota, land of Biblical Law? Furthermore, can one engage in a battle of wits if one party is completely unarmed?

Upon reading his profile, one only becomes more confused and ultimately depressed. He is 22 and has a high school education--and two children. I suppose he's angry that my life doesn't suck as much as his. Not that I feel sorry for him. Condoms are cheap, and I didn't make those particular choices for him. I would lament the name "Shiz," however. That's almost as unfortunate as calling yourself "Silver Blue."

I thought for a few minutes (three) and then sent him off a message promoting peace, tolerance, and leaving me the fuck alone.

I resent the implication that I would abort or give away my child.

I've given birth to three lovely children--all of whom were immediately tossed into a wood chipper with extreme love, care, and jump-shot precision.


You may want to begin your betting now--how long until the cops show up at my house to search the back yard for baby slurry? Either that or he'll start leaving me illiterately irate comments here...which will only give me access to his email address, which I will promptly sign up for NARAL action alerts.

5 comments:

Sasha K said...

OMG... Gasping from laughter... I love you, babe, I really do! That was friggin amazing!
xoxo
Sash

Scott said...

LOL awesome. That's the shi+!

siezrc: sounds like someone's trying to IM for help when the next wave hits...

Anonymous said...

You rock!
-Caryn

SpangledAngel said...

Um,seriously, I think I know this person. I am not kidding. I think it is someone I met on the road and trust me, he and I have been over the abortion thing more than once.

Hon, if it is who I'm thinking of, I'm sorry to have brought that upon you.

My bad.

Love,
Jessica

Torquy said...

Consider yourself lucky that you are not living in Germany, where newborns are being chucked in the garbage before or after death from starvation with chilling regularity of late. If you were, you WOULD find the police on your doorstep pretty quick.
Nevertheless, best regards
-----torquy-----