of advertising and crippling blows to the head

Maybe I'm missing something, but I really do not understand how spam is successful. I get the free advertising and that if one person out of a thousand buys a product or gets swindled out of their grandfather's collection of rare whatevers, that it's still a profit for those bastards. What I don't understand is how all of these apparently severely mentally handicapped people have email addresses and bank accounts.

Yesterday I got 15 of basically the same message at the same time on MySpace. (Say it with me: MySpace is the devil.) If the spammers themselves were not so astonishingly stupid, they would probably be much less annoying and much more successful. Is there anyone on earth who thinks that "hey haven't heard from u in a while but i wanted to show u this ringtone site! hit me back! lol!" is even a slight approximation of authentic human conversation? So frequently do my long-lost friends message me on MySpace to announce their brand-new brain damage by way of alerting me to a ringtone site. They've also started leaving spam blog comments (not here, of course, but on MyDevil) that say something like "hey i saw ur post and i have to say i agree cuz i was thinking the same thing and thanks for writing that but i NEED to let u know about this ringtone site!" Dude, seriously. Come the fuck on.

Speaking of inauthentic dialogue, if the person who writes the esurance commercials happens to read this blog, don't ever tell me your name. Because I will kill you. "Quick, get in the hybrid!" are five words that, when strung together in that exact order, make me want to commit several very specific felonies, also in an exact order. That is such bad writing that it actually offends me. Let's say that I own a hybrid car and my brother owns a conventional car. Even if we were deciding whose car to take, we'd never say "Let's take the hybrid." We'd say "your car" or something specific like "the Escape." Furthermore, in that commercial, there is only one vehicle present. You'd say "get in the car!" or "get in!" And everyone reading this knows I'm right.

And has anyone seen the pregnancy test commercial where the male announcer voice informs us that this pregnancy test is amazing, blah, blah, blah, and is the most advanced piece of technology we'll ever pee on? And then a jet of liquid shoots in? Yeah, let's kill whoever wrote that, too. First of all, I don't care what answer you are hoping that little stick is gonna tell you --no woman wants to hear a man talk to her about a fucking pregnancy test. And they're all the goddamn same, anyway. Some are easier to read than others and some actually have a results system that makes sense (whoever came up with the one-line/two-line system should be shot in the fucking forehead) but they're all testing for the same thing. Apparently I'm a pregnancy test connoisseur. Just one more reason they should listen to me. Also: I will not be impressed by any home pregnancy test until it comes with a half-off coupon for RU486. That'll boost your sales for sure.