Tuesday, May 29, 2007

optimus prime, the bible, and some douchebag with a milkshake

So last week I was chomping Midol like they were Skittles. I think there were tiny little peasants fleeing from every step I took. In short, it was not a good time. Of course, the foul-tempered writhing of various internal organs was nothing compared to the prospect of being turned into chowder on 376.

I was in the fast lane when the genius ahead of me slammed on his brakes because there was a ghost in the road or something. I suspect he was in fact trying to kill himself. So I screeched dramatically to a stop, which somehow did not involve getting my transmission in his back seat. The guy behind me did the same thing, but he fishtailed out into the right lane. On this particular stretch of 376, there are only two lanes, no shoulder, and a jersey barrier on both sides. It's a jumble of bridge, onramp, and overpass. So as we were all camped out (mostly) in the left lane while traffic whizzed past us on the right, I looked up and fucking Optimus Prime was barrelling along. And I had three overlapping scenes go through my mind: the last thing I said to my brother, the last thing I said to my mother, and a vision of the inevitable crash. I just knew the truck was going to clip the rear of the guy behind me and then send us all splattering into the barrier and each other. Apparently the guy behind me knew that, too, because he pulled some James Bond maneuver and whipped around me and the douchebag. I have no idea how in hell he managed that. But wherever you are, dude, thank you for saving my life. He quite literally risked his own life, but I guess he didn't have much of a choice.

So I managed to get myself to work, and the second I took the key out of the ignition, I shuddered and started shaking. It took me three tries to just log in to my computer. Oh, and did I mention the crying? That was lots of fun and not humiliating at all. But I couldn't stop. I had to go have a freakout in the bathroom for a few minutes. Almost dying is one thing. But I cannot stand to have anyone see me cry like that. So then I transitioned into furious. Somehow I got through the day, mellowed out, and in the last half hour I was in the office, I had to caption some religious nonsense. And what were these particular Unfuckables yapping about? Only the two issues most likely to make steam come out of my ears -- abortion and gay rights. At the same time. Which apparently can both be irrefutably condemned by god by reading the same few verses. One of which says murder is bad (so are lima beans. Your point?) and the other is even more rambling and pointless than what I write here.

I'm now going to do something I've never done before -- quote the bible. Specifically, the book of Romans, if you're interested.

"And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet." Yeah -- how many times did you just look back at that and go, "Huh?"

Once again, I am struck by the notion that if some omnipotent being truly did write the bible, it'd be better-written. But I digress. More than usual. Also, the phrase "use of woman" triggers screaming in my head.

Anyway, the whole thing is pretty vague. Sure, we've got the word "lust" going on there. But "working that which is unseemly" could be anything, especially since it previously mentions a whole slue of sins, including committing murder and being disobedient to one's parents and not having mercy for one's fellow man. Said list says nothing about boys kissing each other. Or girls. In case you were wondering.

But right in the next chapter it says something that is pretty unmistakable. "Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things. " I had to read that once in order to understand it. How about you?

That chapter goes on in that vein, essentially repeating itself and saying that god alone will judge mankind and man should be content in that knowledge. I could twist that around to oppose the death penalty really easily. But I'm not going to use it to support anything I believe. Why? Because using a 2,000-year-old book to support my own ideas is ridiculous. The bible says a lot of shit that is conveniently mostly ignored because we as a society have recognized that is is completely insane. Like in Leviticus, in the discussion of how long everyone is unclean after or during various things. Like childbirth. Apparently if you give birth to a girl, you're much more unclean than if you have a boy. Who knew?

Also, there is a giant list of who you should not have sex with or see naked. I think this is hilarious not only for the number of times I've seen just about everyone I know naked, including my father, which is right at the top of the list, but because it reminds me of the letter the FBI sent me when they ran a background check on me when I was working with the kids a few years ago. They sent me a list of every crime I'd never been convicted of. Which was all of them. (On that list was sodomy. Not forcible sodomy or anything, just sodomy. Which made me wonder several very strange things I'm sure you're already wondering so I won't bother reiterating your own thoughts.)

Perhaps if you're going to base your life around an ancient book and you're going to pick and choose your abominations (like eating sheep or shrimp) then at least acknowledge that maybe everything in the bible isn't meant to be taken literally. Because lamb chops are delicious and so is lady business. Mm-mmm!

My point is this -- I can't believe my head hasn't exploded. Especially since somebody threw a fucking milkshake on my car. I guess this was either some idiot teenager trying to look cool for his friends or someone opposed to ending the Iraq War. (Or they're opposed to Pittsburgh public radio or AIDS research, the only other stickers on my car.) Because nothing says "I blindly support our retarded chimpanzee of a president" quite like throwing a milkshake at a parked car. I suppose I should be happy it wasn't feces.

But, Amanda, you may be asking, How can you be sure that some idiot thew the milkshake? Well, dear imaginary inquisitive reader with whom I have frequent imagined dialogues, it's because I watch Court TV and have learned valuable lessons on blood-spatter patterns. I was out in the driveway in shorts and plastic sandals, holding a hose and Forensic File-ing the drips. Then I was out in the driveway in shorts and plastic sandals cursing the existence of that fuckwad. There are a lot of people in the world who I'll never meet but who I'd pay to hit in the face with a length of 2x4. And that list has a new entry as of yesterday.

As usual, I just wanted to give you all some stories to tell CNN via satellite interview after I finally snap.


Don Guitar said...

Isn't life in the big city a wonderful adventure? Had about all I could stand of that a goodly number of years ago and have never looked back.

Your Texas granmaw (Nanalisa) told me I had to log in and comment so I could send you a link to this song she heard on public radio out of Austin today. I had to track down a video on google video first but here is is.

Jerry Falwell's God

We spent most of the day in the ER at Llano Memorial Hospital getting mom treated with some IV administered antibiotics because any little infection makes her white blood cell count take a nose dive and sends her deep into lala-land. Her condition worsens exponentially unless she gets fast treatment and of course she gets low grade infections quite often but only on evenings, weekends or holidays.

We medicated mom, put her to bed, took a shower and it was 3 AM, time to crash and burn only first I had to send a link to our favorite baby girl.

sounds like you need some piece and quiet youngun (pun intended).


Scott said...

#1) Hooray for using Optimus Prime in a blog entry!!!

#2) Sorry you had a near death experience on the Parkway (though, to be fair, who in Pittsburgh hasn't?)

#3) I think the milkshake on the bumper sticker is annoying, yet so unoriginal...When I had the "Discourage Inbreeding: Ban Country Music" sticker on my old Pontiac 6000, some asshole proved my point by spitting chewing tobacco on said sticker. I looked at it, got pissed for a second, then laughed at the absurdity of it all.

#4) As for the Bible, my old poetry professor instilled in us all that everything written in those days was either a metaphor, poorly-written, or fables meant to scare little kids into making their parents happy. I vote for all three on "that book."

#5) "How does it happen???"

#6) Seriously?

#7) Word Verification: "evoea" a disease that women-folk catch from tainted douche?

Amanda said...

Papadon -- First of all, I hope everything with Lisa is okay. Probably sounds scarier than it is? I hope?

Second, that song was hilarious. "Black, white, Swedish, Norwegian -- the whole spectrum!" I'm now going to watch the rest of his stuff.

Scott -- Seriously? Seriously.

And yeah, I thought I had that once, but it was just some spilkus in my ganectigazoink.

Cindy said...

Note to self: Take life insurance policy out on wife.

nate said...

"Because lamb chops are delicious and so is lady business. Mm-mmm!"

You just made my life with one sentence. Seriously. Bravo