if you need me, i'll be in a cabin somewhere in the shenandoah valley tending a small herd of goats

What the hell is wrong with people? I've been getting a lot of stranger-email lately. These people seem to be missing critical sequences of DNA. I know I'm not the most gorgeous woman ever to live, but I am, at the least, cute. Sure, I'm chubby, but Bill Clinton wouldn't kick me out of bed. (And neither would you, because chubby women kick back.)

So here's a sample of what some of these critters have written to me (in all cases, translated from Complete Moron into English).

"I don't know if you like older men, but I can keep you." No, in fact, you cannot. A) I will not be kept, fucker. B) You work in retail.

"I like thick women. Meat is for men; bones are for dogs." Really? Because we took a vote and we don't like you. And stop calling us 'thick,' for chrissakes. I am not a slice of something. And maybe the meat/bones crap worked 10 years ago, but it's time to get a new canned line.

"You look like a beautiful doll." All right, I know you're trying to compliment me, but seriously, man, think about your similes for a few seconds. When you don't, you wind up sounding like a serial killer. Dolls have glass eyes. They don't think. You collect them and then dispose of them if you feel like it. Seriously, don't call women dolls. It makes us want to call the police.

"Who wants some?" The answer to this question, when asked as a greeting to a stranger, will NEVER be "Oh, me!"

Then there's the guy who no woman, under any circumstances, should ever date. He's the guy who sends you an email, you don't respond, and then the next day and every day thereafter, he sends you another message, getting angrier every time. I've been meaning to enter into a relationship that will end with an "accidental" poisoning.