Sunday, February 05, 2006

chuck norris and the 18 mile loop

Trina and I went on a road adventure today. It started as a trip to Giant Eagle to get supplies for the Super Bowl party, but we got sidetracked. First we went to Wendy's, where we frightened people in line behind us by wondering "When exactly was it that we became whores?" I think what frightened them was that we both could pinpoint that particular spot on our personal timelines.

Then we decided to go out to Pittsburgh Mills to pick up Trina's new glasses. I've never driven there, so I was clueless. (I learn by doing, apparently. Like with the deviled eggs tonight... I hope no one dies tomorrow.) Trina decided to take the Turnpike so we wouldn't be sitting in stop-and-go traffic, which is the one true cause of road rage. So we're talking and driving and I dug around for 75 cents for the toll. As we exited, Trina said "It feels like we've been driving for a day." She handed the money to the operator and we drove on. That's when she realized something wasn't quite right.

Two u-turns later, we figured out that we'd gone past our exit and were completely out of the way. Nine miles out of the way. Then Trina looked at the ticket and realized that the toll we actually owed was $1.25. Oops. And yet the operator didn't say anything. I'm going to have to try that the next time I'm in Breezewood.

With the car running on fumes, we completed our 18 mile loop and went to the mall, despite the freak monsoon that apparently followed us on our looping journey. It didn't stop raining until we got back to my house several hours later.

I threatened to punch the rain clouds in the face. Chuck Norris would have actually done it, I am sure.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favortism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later, it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently sueing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

16. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

17. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

18. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

19. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

20. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain!


Scott said...

The Eggs were great; I busted ass the whole way home! :)

Anonymous said...

OH. My. GOD. You have way too much time on your hands. Here, have some more time, it amuses me.

the wife

Anonymous said...

If Batman and Superman got in a fight, who would win? Chuck Norris.

SpangledAngel said...

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

SpangledAngel said...

Chuck Norris once ate two 72-ounce steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

honeykbee said...

Chuck Norris singlehandedly brought dance back to a town where it was once illegal.

Scott said...

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.