Friday, December 14, 2007

it's the day when my people wear candles on their heads, and i am serious about that stabbing thing

So it's been brought to my attention by, um, all of you that I haven't written anything in several moons. Sorry. So as a kind of apology, here's a picture that has been making me snort all day:






Yeah, that's fucking awesome right there.


So here's what's been up. School. Work. New dog. Speeding ticket. Going to England next month (for school -- 10-day residency just like what I did in August in Jersey, except it's January in England).


School -- going well. Getting some good "real" writing done.


Work -- fortunately, the writers' strike hasn't yet affected my ability to bring home the partially dehydrogenated bacon substitute. (I think I got an email from one of you asking what in the hell it is I do -- I create closed captions for television.) And on a related note, how about the bunch of new HD channels that sprang, Greek-god-like, out of fucking nowhere, yesterday. All of a sudden I'm seeing my Law & Order SVU repeats in high definiton, which is exactly how Mariska Hargitay should be viewed. AND Discovery is now airing its regular lineup in HD in addition to the other HD channel it has. Which to me means one thing: Mike Rowe. In high definition. Mmm. Yes and yes. Today was our holiday party, one of two yearly catered events during which they try to kill me via buffet. Why does everything have to have green peppers in it? Are they a food group or something? I really have the most obnoxious food allergies. Today was also St. Lucia Day. If you don't have any idea what that is, it's okay. That just means you are not Swedish. As my friend Meadow explained to the table of Very Confused Coworkers, "it's the day where her people wear candles on their heads." Yeah, pretty much it. It also involves getting up with the sun, which is when I go to bed, so to you, St. Lucia, I say: perform a miracle where dawn happens at 3:00 PM and we'll talk.


New dog! Dusty is fucking awesome. She's like a furry toddler. Who eats people. I walk her when I get home from work (which is a little before midnight) and we go past a bar at the top of the hill and I have discovered something. Drunk old guys in parking lots leave you the fuck alone if you're holding the leash of a snarling creature. I need her with me all the time.


This is her.



I got her from a coworker. Her owner passed away, and so I saw this flyer with pictures of this sad-looking doggie...posted right behind my desk. And in the kitchen. It was like she was looking at me all day, saying "Mommy! Come get me! Take me home!" So I did. And she's absolutely a wonderful dog. She's attached to my hip and extremely protective and very sensitive to my moods. Granted, I pretty much just have the three: angry, laughing, and asleep. The other night we were playing and she got really wound up -- she started spinning like a top. So I collapsed in a kind of stage fall and she freaked the hell out. She ran over and pounced on me and started crying and licking me and whapping me in some kind of berserk doggie CPR. It would have been funny if only she weren't completely terrified. So no more Jim Carrey moves for me.

Speeding ticket -- I was NOT!

England -- very excited. But if one more person tells me that it's cold in England in the winter, I will fucking stab you in the taint. I live in Pittsburgh, where we have things called seasons. Therefore, I own sweaters. Also, I'm pretty sure there are buildings in England with which I will shield myself from rain and/or snow. And I am serious about that stabbing thing. Also stab-worthy: telling me that things in England are expensive, that I should take food with me, and telling me to go "swing by" every single corner of the country. You know, since it IS a vacation, not an assload of graduate credits. So serious about the stabbing. So serious.

7 comments:

Scott said...

oh.. and.. ::covering taint:: enjoy some bangers and mashed ;-) .. and some baked beans on toast for breakfast ::drool:: ::fart::

Serious about the second one ( i know how you hate mashed...), though. Delish! But have fun while you can...and let me know when you are free for holiday stuff (when plasticized chinamen aren't involved)

Meadow said...

Me! I'm in there!Me!Hooray!

Amanda said...

Just thinking about baked beans on toast makes me want to gag. Ugh. I would rather eat frog vaginas.

Scott said...

frog vaginas... i bet they taste just like chicken.

Don Guitar said...

Does a frog even have a vagina? Google wasn't very helpful.
http://poobox.org/vagproject/
There were other hits on the query
frog vagina but the best was lame...
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/414c3861e3
...and the rest were far worse.

Speeding ticket: Yes you were. Pay it and move on (a bit more slowly of course).

England...

swings like a pendulum do. Have a blast. I'm told the cuisine sucks, which is bad, but so do many of the inhabitants and that's not necessarily bad. *grin*

Nate said...

I love you lol

Just not like that haha

Sorry for my hiatus as of late. I'm sitting here in thehospital laughing my ass off reading your posts lol. Go me. :P

Frog Vaginas? Oh baby.

Amanda said...

Why are you in the hospital? You okay?