He can lick it, flick it, and motorboat it. Apparently he said "Unless Moses comes down with two stone tablets from Brokeback Mountain to tell us something different, we need to keep that understanding of marriage."
I guess "that understanding" means his understanding, because my understanding of marriage is definitely not what it is in his lovely little world. I can tell you some motherfucking stories about marriage -- good, bad, and absolutely horrifying. It's different for everyone, and maybe sometimes that includes two people who happen to be the same gender. Big fucking deal. How about we do something about domestic violence. Then you can tell me how if two women share health insurance and hospital-visitation rights, all the straight people are going to light on fire or something.
And by the way, I don't seem to recall anything in the 10 commandments about "Thou shalt not marry a dude if thou art also a dude." I also seem to recall something about the church and the state being separate entities in this country.
Not that the other pubbie candidates are any better.
Rudy "I Feel Pretty" Giuliani said, "It’s the acts, it’s the various acts that people perform that are sinful." He paused, then added, "Nine eleven." I've beaten the shrimp-as-sin dead horse to the texture of hamburger already, but I just wanted to bring it up one more time in the true spirit of Giuliani. (It was either that or go make a bunch of bad decisions.) But his statement makes me wonder if he really understands what sodomy is. If you think that being gay is gonna send you into a lake of fire for all of eternity, if you've ever had a blowjob, you're gonna spend the afterlife between Andy Dick and Richard Simmons. And I do mean between.
Mitt Romney, laying it out there plain and simple, much like tying a dog to the roof of a car, said, "I don't want civil unions or gay marriage." Only he could make an incendiary statement fucking boring. You know what, Mitt? I don't want you. And yet your existence is still legal. So I just stay away from you and other likeminded, breathtakingly boring individuals. Maybe if you're so afraid of me kissing on some ladies, you should stay the hell away from me. In fact, let's just agree right now to never, ever see each other.
However, Mike Huckabee, the invitation for you to dive facefirst into my nether regions shall stand until one of us is dead.
It's not just that particular statement that makes me hate him so much. Nor is it his policies, which include supporting the FairTax. (By the way, I've heard things from retarded people that were way less retarded than the FairTax. More on that here if you're interested.) He also wants to write shit into the Constitution banning abortion, of course he wants to "protect" marriage from all us scary non-straight people, he thinks immigrants are gross, he wants to stay in Iraq until the Sun supernovas, and I'm pretty sure there's probably something in there somewhere about repealing suffrage for all non-white, non-land-owning men, and all women.
All of those things contribute to his douchebaggery. But they're not the reason I can't stand him. Not the way I hate Dick Cheney, of course. It's a little more annoyance than hatred, but it could still shift.
It's because he can't fucking write, yet he continues to do so.
I had to caption a speech he gave to a bunch of nodding white people with really bad haircuts and even worse clothes. I can only assume this took place in a church of some kind.
He kept drawing these ridiculous analogies between "the good old days" and "now, a time when gargoyles apparently fly through the air." Except none of his "now" analogies were things that were within the past 10 years.
These quotations are from memory, so they're not exact, but the then-versus-now examples are accurate, because I could not make this shit up.
"I remember when art was Norman Rockwell. Now it's Robert Mapplethorpe." I am 25 and I only had a vague recollection of who Mapplethorpe was. That's because he died in 1989. He was a photographer who, among many other things, photographed nude people. Which, in case you didn't notice, destroyed society.
"I remember a time when children grew up watching 'Leave It To Beaver.' Now we have 'Beavis and Butt-head.'" Dude, you should seriously watch "The Sopranos."
"I remember a time when Father Knew Best. Now we have fathers like Homer Simpson, who need help from their kids just to get through the day." You do understand that Homer Simpson is a fictional character, correct? That it's funny? When you hear about "Family Guy" in like 12 years, you'll probably have a stroke.
There was a lot more of this crap -- it just kept going and going. He's a good speaker, though, and if I were really fucking stupid, I'd be taken in by him. (Iowa, go kill yourself.) Which is why it's possible that I could possibly hate him as much as I hate Dick Cheney someday.
He's such a wad of snot that because Chuck Norris has endorsed his candidacy, (apparently the third fist isn't under Chuck's beard; it's inside his skull) I have officially renounced Chuck Norris. So I need to find some other celebrity to take his place. Maybe William H. Macy, because I love his name. We'll start a line, guys. Just don't get in the one behind Mike Huckabee.