Thursday, July 12, 2007

jesus and vampires

I need to get a "No Proselytizing" sign to put next to the mailbox. Some asshole keeps leaving me Jesus junk mail, which I keep crumpling into a ball and launching into the street, because I won't even bring that crap into my house to throw it away.

I also do that with the newspaper-looking roll of advertisements I keep finding in the driveway. If I ever see that person, I am gonna knock his teeth out and make a necklace and wear it as a warning to all the other junk-mail distributors.

Can you imagine if I actually went to their creepy church?

How did you first hear about our religion? Please check only one...

- all the crap we left on your porch
- poked yourself in the ear canal with a fork and then wandered down the street
- when we threw that Hefty bag over your head and shoved you into the van

I saw about five minutes of a "documentary" the other day about vampires. Or rather, some interview with a dude who was so gay it was obvious to everyone but him talking about how he just loves to suck on this other dude's neck. But it's okay -- they're not gay. The guy is just his blood donor. (And then I rolled my eyes so hard that they fell out of my head.) Then he explained that he needs this dude's blood every couple weeks (you'd think it'd be something he needed every day, but I guess as a non-vampire, I wouldn't know, would I?) because it gives him "vitamins and nutrients." I hear those now come as a part of this complete breakfast, too. And you can't get AIDS from Trix. He also explained that vampires can die, can see their reflections in mirrors, won't be repelled by garlic, don't have aversions to crosses, and can't turn into bats. You know, because those are all misconceptions about vampires, not because vampires aren't real and these people are just desperately searching for some way in which they can be different and special and loved by someone, anyone at all. Has nothing to do with that.

Then they ran out of things to ask this lunatic, so they started retelling the entire plot of Bram Stoker's "Dracula." That's when I changed the channel.

My point is this: I would sooner let some nutjob drink my blood than I would go to a church that left me a religion menu dangling from my mailbox. Because at least that would only be once every couple of weeks.


Nate said...


I hate the assholes who leave things on our door, like the baptists that walk up to our dog (2 year old German Shepard), feed it dog biscuits laced with sedative (We brought her to the vet because she wouldn't wake up, that's what they told us), leaves us a small cardboard box of pamphlets, and drive off.

We tried to sue the church for feeding our dog that shit, and won. The funny thing is that they tried to hide behind the "freedom of religion" crap, just like those catholic priests. I honestly don't see how being able to express your religion and worship whoeverthefuck you choose has anything to do with almost poisoning my dog, but oh well

Anyway, on a semi-lighter note, I'm going to Purdue University in Indiana next week for some Presbyterian Youth Triennium (7,000 presbyterian teens get together and spend a week on campus; basically a giant fuck-fest :D), and I'm bringing *The Book* (you know which one lol). Be prepared to have a litteral army on your hands ;) lol

But I'm still here till Sunday :]

Scott said...

Silly Manda, Trix are for kids!

Joel said...

a cool trick with junk mail - take one of the envelopes, one that says "no postage necessary if mailed..." and pack it up with other junk mail you've received. the junk mail company has to pay for the postage, and may just stop sending you mail you don't want! it's brilliant!

honeykbee said...

*drops spoon and mouthful of Trix*

nate said...

*gasp* amanda! you need to update!