You know what pisses me off? A lot of shit. But here's a small assortment of rants.
- People who say flippant shit like "make up your mind" referring to bisexuals. Don't you fucking think we would if we could? This is especially infuriating when it comes from gay people, who ought to fucking understand that it's not a goddamn choice. Why don't you go hang out with the 700 Club assholes, you fucking hypocrites?
- Mosquitoes and my deliciousness. I have more bites than I can count. I think I have one on my ovary. I'm not sure.
- Little helpful hint -- if you're calling someone to tell her whether or not she has a potentially deadly/life-altering illness, don't fucking chit-chat with her beforehand. No one wants a segue from the weather to "you're going to need a hysterectomy." Lead with "you don't have cancer" and then feel free to tell me whatever the hell you want.
- Russian lifeguards. Actually, it's just one specific Russian lifeguard, but he's ruined it for the rest of the class.
- People who for some reason "don't believe" in global warming. The current temperature trend notwithstanding, global warming is scientific fact. Just like evolution. It's not something for you to believe in. You can hold proof of evolution in your hand. And soon, you'll be able to reach out and touch a glacier, because everything is fucking melting.
- The AZN network.
- The Family Circus comic strip. Every once in a while I accidentally read it, because it's usually about 6 words and a stupid drawing, and it's possible to read it without even realizing what you're doing. There is no one left alive in the country who finds The Family Circus charming. No one has ever found it amusing.
- Anything remotely related to Mel Gibson.
- Rick Santorum's campaign ads. Nobody fucking cares that your grandpa was a steel worker for 147 years and he came from Not America and he had fourteen cents and half a cracker when he immigrated and then raised 93 children. We're not voting for your grandpa, you idiot. My grandpa grew up in Braddock and taught himself to read. He was also a racist who thought my mother was a whore. Note the subtle contrast between the generations.
- Joyce Carol Oates.
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4 comments:
You forgot Ann Coulter...you know, the fascist mistress of Rick Santorum... See also: Love Child of Adolph Hitler and Leona Helmsley.
Oh, you know what else you forgot? That guy who renamed French Fries "Freedom Fries." That's so f'ing hypocritical... considering they are trying to take a jab at the French, who were just expressing their free will to say "you know what? George Bush is a fucking asshole and there is no justification for what he's about to do. I fart in your general direction."
What else... um... yeah... people who tell you who you should hate! ;-)
Um, I actually happen to think Family Circus is mildly endearing. I hope this has no bearing on the continuance of our friendship.
Also, it may interest you to know that Mel Gibson was arrested for drunk driving the other day and launched into a severely anti-Semetic tirade upon being arrested. Later on he apologized to the Jewish community, but come on. A drunk mind speaks a sober heart and the man is a NAZI!!!!!
I hate glitter. The shit gets everywhere, and it lingers around forever. Listen "Bambi", or "Candi", or whatever your name is... I know where your boobies are, I don't need you to apply stripper dust to make them more noticable. And I certainly don't need the akwardness of trying to explain the presence of glitter to my wife. There's only so many times she'll believe that I was mugged by a herd of pre-K toddlers.
Whoever invented glitter should be dug up, beaten with a wonder mop by the guy who does those OxyClean commercials... then sprinkled with glitter, and then buried again. Mmm.... taste the irony? It's delicious.
I don't like the word "preggers."
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