Thursday, January 15, 2009

but maybe that's just me: a winter tale from pittsburgh

We've had a bit of snow here in the 'burgh over the past few days. Right now in my yard, we probably have somewhere around 2 to 3 inches on the ground. And still, the only thing keeping the local news anchors from collapsing in a pile of their own snow-frenzy-induced froth is the upcoming Steelers-Ravens epic battle for the AFC title. Move over, Trojan war. If the Steelers had lost last weekend, right about now every vaguely ethnic field reporter would be standing in an abandoned bread aisle, waving a loaf of Home Pride Butter Top Wheat like a beacon to the Coast Guard.

But, as usual, I digress.

The roads, including the highways, were not in good shape on my way home tonight. It was clear that one of the major highways wasn't even on the minds of the plow operators. Then again, that meth isn't going to smoke itself.

I have a front-wheel drive car with snow tires, and even I was slipping a bit on some of the roads, but not on the highway. But I make it a personal rule of life (and continuing to have it) that when I can't tell where the road is, I don't take it past fourth gear. This makes me uncool. Or so it would seem the drivers of several tractor trailers and many an SUV were thinking as they blew past me at 75 miles per hour, shaking my car in the vast white expanse of time and space that had become my nightly commute. When I wasn't wondering which lane I was in, I was thinking, "If you crash, I'm not helping you."

As I got closer to home, I of course got caught behind some dipshit in a Subaru (a Subaru! for fuck's sake!) driving with her flashers on. At 15 miles per hour. I of course could not pass said dipshit, as the left lane was occupied by a steady stream of Decepticons breaking the sound barrier.

It wasn't so much the slow and terrified way this woman was making her way down 376 that bothered me. If it weren't snowing, I'd have been calling for her head, but the snow does make me a little more understanding. It does not, however, help me tolerate being blinded while attempting to operate a vehicle. In addition to there being snow, it's also extremely cold here right now. It's 12 degrees at the moment. Not exactly unbearable, but very cold, which leads to things like runny noses and dry skin and frozen windshield wiper blades. I don't mean when they freeze to the windshield. I mean you've scraped them, picked the ice out of them, and thoroughly thawed them before heading out on the highway. It doesn't matter -- they re-freeze. If you've never experienced this, don't. Because if you're an adult when it happens to you for the first time, you will go insane, slow down to 15 miles an hour, and put on your flashers. And because everyone else behind you also has streaks of ice forming on their windshields where the rubber is no longer contacting the glass, flashing yellow light exploding into our own cars will induce migraines, seizures, and in severe cases, shooting you in the back of the fucking head. So, next time, don't.

The most surprising thing was that this woman was driving a Subaru. Honestly, you need to represent a little bit better. We are a much more resourceful people than that.

And speaking of Subarus, this is one of the funniest things I may have ever read.

1 comment:

Scottie said...

WTF is up with people? I mean SERIOUSLY! I drive fast most of the time, but when the lines on the road are not visible, my ass-end is fishtailing like Nemo with parkinsons, and snotcicles are hanging from my over-sized nose I usually slow the fuck down. So when some jackass in a truck with 4wd and a death wish passes me by I usually use words my momma would send me to my room over.

Then there are women like suburu lady who end up causing backups like the one that took j 90 minutes to get home Wednesday night (no accidents, 28 was nicely salted and plowed, just stupid drivers). Don't get me started

Re captioning story: They finally caught you, eh? ;-)