you don't have to be crazy to volunteer for mccain, but -- my mistake; you actually do

So the big story in Pittsburgh right now, other than Santonio Holmes getting busted for driving around smoking a blunt, (which subsequently led to the most hilarious local news item, which was old white men attempting to explain what a blunt is) is the psycho McCain volunteer who carved a backwards B on her face, gave herself two black eyes, and then filed a false police report accusing an imaginary black dude of mugging her, assaulting her, and then carving up her face. The B apparently was meant to stand for "Barack." Apparently the story was picked up nationally -- McCain and Palin both spoke to her over the phone. Obama issued a supportive statement. And I said, "Bitch, please."

So did a lot of other people, including detectives with the Pittsburgh city police. Today they announced that it was in fact a load of bullshit and that the woman is in fact crazier than Richard Simmons in that yogurt commercial. And all the surprised people gasped in unison at the Invisible People Convention, currently under way downtown, which was the reason the imaginary black dude was visiting in the first place. I hear his keynote address tomorrow night ("Life at Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends: My Post-Susan Smith Non-Existence") is going to be excellent.

I'm really sorry that this woman is so profoundly out of her gourd -- especially this close to Halloween -- but seriously, why would anyone make up this story? I've hated a lot of politicians, but I'd never concoct something so ridiculous. Then again, I'd also never carve a backwards letter into my face for three reasons: because I much prefer "The Crucible" to "The Scarlet Letter," (check out the last line in the first link) because I am not a frothy-lipped lunatic, and because I spent a lot of my childhood writing backwards messages in wintertime car windows. At least go with a letter that works both ways, like, I don't know... an O. Which would have made more fucking sense for like thirteen trillion reasons. But as my mother has said to me on many occasions, you can't expect an insane person to do anything in a sane way.

In conclusion, McCain's locked up the extremely important crazy white bitch (18-25) vote, but who knows how many of them will make it to the polls, given that these imaginary criminals are still at large.



PS: For those of you who aren't from Pittsburgh, Santonio Holmes is a wide receiver for the Steelers and is not imaginary, though he will be invisible during this Sunday's game.