i'm an abortion survivor: another exciting installment in the hit series "why i'm like this"

So this will truly make sense only to those of you who are fans of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." (And if you own a tv and have the ability to laugh, you should be.) For those of you who are not, here's some quick background info that you will find helpful. Suspecting that Frank is in fact his biological father, Charlie confronts him. Frank admits to impregnating Charlie's mom but says she had an abortion, so therefore he can't be his dad. Charlie questions his mother about the abortion, and she tells him that Frank did, in fact, knock her up, and that she did, in fact, have an abortion. It just "didn't take." Cut to Charlie screaming at Frank, "I'm an abortion survivor, dad!"

I know the recap sucked. This is why you should watch the show.

My mother and I were watching random videos on On Demand. We'd just rocked out to ACDC (insert obvious joke here) and then we saw a video for a band called Dying Fetus. How can you say no to Dying Fetus? Here's what they sound like. Imagine Satan. Now imagine he's just eaten a really big extra-spicy bean burrito from Taco Bell that was somewhat past its prime. Now imagine it's El Diablo's third trip to the bathroom, and last week he had a coupon for some recycled toilet paper. Because even Satan understands the importance of recycling. He killed the last roll of Charmin long ago and now his asshole looks like one of the stalactites of fire above his head. Imagine what you'd be hearing in Satan's downstairs hallway right about then. Multiply that by "extremely lame" and you've got the vocals down. Also, Satan is angry because he can't play guitar after all. Or bass.

Proof.

So we kept making dead fetus jokes and then my mom all of a sudden busts out with "I'm an abortion survivor!" I high-fived her.

Cut to like an hour later and I'm on the phone telling JK about it, and Mom's in the next room cracking up. Literally doubled over laughing. Then she screams "You're an abortion survivor, Amanda!"

Even later, we're in the kitchen, and I'm telling her about a donation system that Planned Parenthood has where people's donations are multiplied by the number of morons outside the clinic every day. (That link is to the PP of western Pennsylvania, but most PPs have this program, from what I've seen.) Which is fucking ingenius. And we're laughing about it and I said that the next time I see one of those obnoxious "Smile! Your mother chose life!" signs, I'd tell them that no, in fact, she did not. It just didn't take. And mom goes, "Well, for me she did, but my twin..."

"Hand me the scissors! I'm gonna stab this fetus in the eyeballs!"
"Damn, that baby is UGLY! I can't be having no ugly babies."
"Hey, hand me that coin. Call it in the air! Who's getting flushed??"

And so on. I'm pretty sure they'd be sad my mom chose life. Which fills me with a warm, happy feeling. Like Christmas morning, but with 25% more abortion jokes.

dear wonderful friends and cherished network of internet-based stalkers

I'm sorry I haven't written anything here in so long. But I have been doing some other writing, so at least we know I haven't sustained a serious brain injury.

Everything is okay, I've just been really busy. And I have a large collection of ridiculous observations and rants to share with you soon, I promise.

I saw a commercial for a hydroponic "garden" growing system recently. Just a preview of the profound musings you all have to look forward to!

Peace, love, and hydroponic growing systems to you all.