Friday, January 26, 2007

cat piss + tires = no one goes to bed happy

A few weeks ago, I got snow tires for my car. A good thing, because it's been snowing here for about four days now, and we have a total accumulation of "just enough to get into your socks because you insist on wearing clogs every day, you Scandinavian freak."

So I drove around with the tires in my trunk for about a week and then decided to finally take them out before I went shopping. Because I have my priorities. So I set them on the porch, went shopping for a few hours, came home, put the tires in the basement, and then had a nice evening. Then I went downstairs to get a drink. And oh, god, the smell. It was like I'd stepped into a parallel universe where everything was a litter box.

Even though I am an animal lover and I love cats (the non-evil, non-retarded ones, that is, and yes, I have known mentally retarded cats) I immediately thought of all the things in my kitchen I could use to kill the goddamn stray cat that had sprayed all over my fucking tires.

So I had to unwrap (because the guys at the garage had considerately tied a nice little knot in each bag over each tire) every single tire and then sniff my hands in order to figure out which bag had been violated. Of course, it was the last one. Is there any way this could have ended differently, factoring in how hilarious my friends will find this? Meanwhile, I'm still angry two weeks later.

I spent the rest of the night positively livid, spraying Febreze, lighting candles, and muttering about the things I could do to that cat with a blunt object.

3 comments:

Scott said...

::giggle:: sounds like someone went "Operation: Send in the Kitties" on your ass (Thanks Suzanne)! ;-)

Ya know: "Clean that litterbox a few times and you get to thinkin', 'We don't need that fuckin' cat!'."-Suzanne W.

Sorry to hear the basement abode smells like kitty camode! You should come hide out here where the basement may smell like cat box, but no one lives down there! :)

Don Guitar said...

Howdy child. For the record, call me Papadon, like the rest of my grandkids. Lisa and I don't much care for cats either. We're dog people and she brought one large dog (small horse?) named "CeeCee" with her from Florida when she came to Texas. CeeCee isn't very bright but she's good at being annoying and nobody ever comes to the door unannounced.

The "delicate flowah" comedian is Judy Tenuta.
http://www.judytenuta.com/index2.html
The audio & video clips on her site are hilarious. I hope she's a new discovery for you.

You guessed right about my wife, Lisa is way cool. April 24th will be our second wedding anniversary so we're just getting started but I never had so much fun in my life.

I haven't posted to my blog in forever and I wasn't aware until this evening that you'd posted a comment.

Lisa and I do a lot of searching on google to find links for our twice-monthly ezine.
http://www.freelists.org/list/donspatch
I don't recall what I was searching for but when I saw your blog title I had no choice but to click on it.

I'll try to visit a little more often in the future.

Hugs-n-stuff

PapaDon

honeykbee said...

Now here's a great opportunity to try out that WalMart Eukaneuba brand cat food that's been causing so much chaos!

Not to mention some lava soap.

While I'm sorry that this happened to you, it does make for an awesomely hysterical post.

Alternate catbox universe. Wow.