i lived the dream! and vicariously, so can you

We all have certain things we've always wanted to see. For Dane Cook, it was a guy getting hit by a car. Living in Pittsburgh, where it seems every year some poor fool gets creamed by a bus in Oakland, that one's not too high on my list. (Note -- this is only because it is a given that I will eventually witness this. Don't wish for what's already written in the stars.)

Being a lover of bad movies, (bad in a sense that the plot holes are so enormous that even GW Bush would notice them, not bad in the sense that it stars Richard Gere) I have always wanted to see a movie where a guy who's supposed to be dead blinks and no one notices. And I don't mean we're supposed to think he's dead but he's really alive -- I want this fucker's role to be "Corpse" when he blinks.

Just the other night, I lived that dream. I watched "Snakeeater." If you have On Demand, go order it right now. (It's free, obviously.) Stop reading this and then go watch it because nothing I have to say about the movie is any funnier than watching it. If possible, watch it WITH someone and occasionally say what you think is going to happen in the next scene. You will always be right.

Here are just a few hilarious highlights for those of you who don't have the time to watch it or are bereft of On Demand. I'd like to point out that this movie is NOT a comedy. It's just so bad that it's a masterpiece of suck.

- A woman runs out of a room into a hallway. She leaves out sight, we hear a loud noise, and then she swings by the doorway in a giant net.

- A guy gets gagged with a live fish by a band of yokels. Hilarious on several levels, because nothing is preventing this guy from spitting out said live fish. Also because the lead yokel had to go fishing with the intention of catching a fish to gag a guy with. (This takes place on a houseboat in a river.)

- A woman gets killed by having her head boiled. She doesn't attempt to get away, scream, or really even resist. The guy salts the water before boiling her head.

- Several times, people get knocked out by being hit on the back with something.

- A guy refers to his motorcycle as a "hog chopper." (I'm not sure about this because I don't know much about motorcycles, but that seems to be an oxymoron of sorts. Are these not two different kinds of motorcycle? If any one of you five readers out there know if this is an actual term, let me know. Although I maintain that it still sounds ridiculous.)

- The one guy looks just like Kenny Rogers.

- A motorcycle gets turned into a speedboat, but they had no reason to ruin the motorcycle at all -- basically, it's just turned into a giant steering wheel. Who needs a rudder?

- A woman is kidnapped and locked up in a shack in the woods that has several windows with no glass in them and a dirt floor. She's not tied up. She has tools inside the shack. If you can't escape from that, then you deserve to be raped by a band of rednecks.

- A woman who lives on a marina inexplicably has roller skates hanging on her wall. If this doesn't immediately strike you as pants-shittingly hilarious, just imagine someone roller-skating down a boardwalk.

- The main character, on the motorcycle boat, hits some sort of floating-log trap. His gun, on clearly visible fishing line, goes flying.

- The band of yokels has a semi-retarded member who has the most bizarre haircut ever. You know how monks have that weird band of hair and the rest of their head is shaved? It's kind of like that, but in relief. He has a tuft of hair, a ring of baldness, and then a ring of hair. This man actually did this to his real hair. He had to get up every morning and shave his bald ring before going in to shoot.

- The main character paints himself with dirt while setting up a handful of traps in the woods. This is mostly hilarious because immediately before he gets all dirt-painted, you see him crouching down, shirtless, and it is impossible not to say "I'm surprised he hasn't smeared dirt in war-paint designs all over himself by now."

- The band of yokels apparently kill people using a fake bear claw. While they maul people to death, they snarl and sound just like freaking bears. They must have gone to a zoo or into a den to get this audio. We are supposed to believe that the Head Yokel is making these noises himself. This is how Kenny Rogers gets killed.

- After being KILLED, one yokel is lying on the ground in his new role as Dead Body, and as his yokel brethren are gathered around him, he blinks. It's not even a twitch -- it's a blink that is so obvious, you can even see it during rewind. And you will, because as you see it, you will go "Did that fucker just blink?!" and then you will rewind it. Then you'll go "Holy shit, he blinked!" and then you will roll around in your seat for a while. (If you're planning on watching the movie, it's the guy with the hat. Watch for it. Do not eat or drink before or during watching the movie. You will either shit yourself or vomit.)

- A brand-new threesome of characters is introduced in the last five minutes. You have no idea where they came from or who they are or why they are all firing so many shotguns or why those shotguns apparently never need to be reloaded.

- One of these new guys takes several blasts to the chest and falls over dead. The camera cuts to something else for three seconds, then the nameless guy we just saw die is standing back up and gets off a few more shotgun blasts before he dies. Again.

- Lots of unnecessary rolling to avoid gunshots.

- Non-fatal kidney wound to the main character.

- A guy gets killed with a cow skull. (Almost Biblical when you consider the resurrections.)

- The Head Yokel talks with accents. Not with one accent, but with all of the different accents he could think of. He was vaguely southern, Appalachian, British, a New Yorker, a Bostonian, Irish, and, for a moment, Miss Cleo.

- There was someone in the credits with the title of "Continuity."

How could it get any better than that? I'll tell you -- there are sequels. Someone wrote and someone else financed not one, but two sequels. Comcast needs to get on this.